


Hanging without him

by Panthola



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Angst and Tragedy, Anxiety, Depression, Edward Cullen Needs a Hug, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hospitals, Sad Bella Swan, Suicide Attempt, a lot of human crying, a lot of internal vampire-crying from the Cullens, and sickeningly sweet, grieving a breakup, my version of the events in New Moon, overly emotional
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:27:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28318959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Panthola/pseuds/Panthola
Summary: The title has a double-meaning. I am not sorry about that.I do not own any of the characters or major plot lines in this story. This is a fanfiction made to honor the story of Stephanie Meyer.So. I decided to write this since I am in a major Twilight-mood and I just cannot handle myself. I felt like there were a gap needed to be filled, at least for me.  So here comes the real summary:After Alice has a horrific vision about the human her entire family had come to love, but also leave behind when they moved for her won safetys sake, all of the Cullens rushed to Forks in order to prevent the vision from becoming reality. The only problem is that once they get there, the reality is already way worse than the vision. Way worse.
Relationships: Edward Cullen/Bella Swan
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I read a fanfic once;"The Heart of Everything" by Mrs Ronald Weasley on fanfiction.net. It made my heart break and melt and live its own life in a way I just simply loved. Please check that fanfic out, it is awesome.

I never used to really believe in love. Not until I met Edward. Not until I met the man that I never could have imagined would exist in the same world as me. Edward found me and made my mind blank in comparison to what I thought I had known before him. There would always be a 'Before Edward' but I never ever could thought there would be an 'After Edward.' Despite my insecure nature and my incredibly high self-doubt, he managed to convince me that we were meant to be. We were meant to be just as my, still human lungs, were meant to need air and oxygen to function. But then came my 18th birthday and all the blood that was spilled on the party the Cullens threw for me. Jasper had reacted naturally and things had been messy. I was still alive though. But Edward saw that as some kind of sign that in order for me to be alive and happy, he needed to leave. So he took me out info the forest and told me he was leaving. And ironically; I stopped living right then and there. I was not even sure if he had ever loved me and I believe that was what started the darkness that raided my body and weighted me down. But I was not sure anymore, I did not know how to cope and handle anything. I was just simply sinking. 

\-- 

At first, I did not expect to feel anything. I felt like that was the point, to not feel anything. But then came the vague feeling of nausea, It was the exact same feeling that I had felt when I had been drunk for the first time, like my head was spinning and my stomach turned within me. The same way I had felt in the woods when Edward had left me alone, breaking up with me and leaving me all alone. The rustling sound of wood clashing against wood, the chair falling against the floor almost woke me up from my slumber, despite the fact that it was myself that had caused the fall. Then, I heard his voice and I thought to myself: "Finally, heaven"


	2. Endless pain and endless visions

Edward's POV

The door to Bella's house cracked open upon my entrance, but I had no time to care or even register it properly. I had to find her, save her. I rushed up the stairs, towards the room I had spent so many nights in, just watching her sleep. I felt the door crumble under my force as I shakily looked around for her. When my eyes eventually landed upon her, I felt every part of my past human senses as they almost re-awaken and my insides felt like they were in flames and frozen at the same time. I suddenly remembered evetr moment we had spent together, from biology class to the ballet studio, to the school prom and her 18th birthday. The pain I had caused her, the tears I had brought upon her beautiful face. I would never ever forgive myself for leaving her like this, I was the cause of this. I am the reason she was barely alive at this moment. And I would never ever be able to keep existing if she died on me now. Never in a million years. "Bella" I shrieked as I rushed towards her.

Flashback

Emmett and Jasper had just finished hunting when I began to notice that Alice was looking a bit off. The weather in New York was giving her a headache, that was old news, but this seemed to be something different. And then her vision arrived and myh curiousity peaked as I tried to comprehend despite my brothers being obnoxiously loud in the other room. It seemed like their laughs only got louder the more of her vision I read. And it disturbed me a great deal. But then again, they had gone through all of this for my sake, the move and all the logistics. They all loved Forks, and so did I. But I loved Bella more and I needed to make sure she would stay safe and alive and human for her entire lifetime. I had to leave her and my family followed me loyally. But I knew it was harsh on them as well, Bella was family, but her beating heart differed from us. The warm, living brunette had waltzed into our lives and made it significantly better, I could see it in their minds. They had all lost a family member, a sister and a daughter the day I made them leave with me. I knew i was asking too much of them, but I also knew that they would understand, that I needed to make sure Bella was safe and human for as long as possible. They all knew that what happened with Jasper was not something that was rare when humans interacted with vampires and they all understood that, but that did not mean that they were happy about it. 

Alice stood up, breaking the vase next to her in the process as she began to pace around the room. A quarter of a second later, I was by her side. "How much time do we have?" I had said, my voice ice cold as I tried to keep my emotions aside, knowing very well that I would break down completely if I let my emotions get the best of me at this point. "I don't know. Edward, we need to go there and save her. I don't care that you think it is safer for her to be without you because clearly you are wrong" she almost shrieked and i just nodded my head in approval, making her look at in me in surprise. I felt my jaw clench as I looked over at my brothers. "Where is Carlilse and Esme?" I ask, my voice shivering. "We need to get back to Forks, now" Alice added just as our adoptive parents showed up behind us. "Bella is going to die otherwise" I added. And then we left the state almost as quickly as Alice's vision had appeared.

After a horrificly long flight and hours of driving a horrible rental car, I finally saw the sign that welcomed me to Forks and I could only hope I would be in time. The rest of my family were in cars behind me, speeding almost as much as I did. We had all agreed that I should be the first to arrive at her house, so she could see that I was there for real and that I still loved her. If I even was going to be able to get her back, I had no idea. My main priority was to keep her alive and the rest would have to just... figure itself out.


	3. The desperate, heartbroken vampire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I cried writing this. Don't blame me.
> 
> (Still Edward's POV btw.)

I rushed into her room, incredibly thankful for my supernatural speed as I dashed through the room, grabbing her body in my arms as my hands fiddled with the noose around her neck, getting it off of her. I felt her body shake slightly in my arms as I threw the rope away, placing her body down on her bed as I tried to get her to wake up and come back to me. 

"Bella, baby. Please come back to me" I pleaded as I felt the wrecking need to cry. The palms of my hands pressed against her cheeks as I fought to get her back to me. Her skin was colder, more like mine. Not completely cold and dead, but a lot more than what I remembered of her. I looked up as I tried to steady myself, stop my shaking and regain some of that strength that once gave me away and implied to her that I was no human. One of my hands travelled down to her neck, letting the tips of my fingers press, ever so gently, against the side of her throat to check if her precious heart was still beating, still fighting. It was, she was still in there somewhere. I let out a breath oif relief as I looked down at the floor. That was when I saw them, the orange bottles that were scattered on the floor, right next to her bed. Three bottles, one human body. One Bella-body to be exact; I knew she was sensitive to medicine, considering her reaction to the morphine after Carlisle had stitched up her arm. Three bottles and one Bella. I could not keep my sobs back anymore as I let out a tormented shriek, the bitter and horrible truth slowly creeping in on me. I noticed that the slight movements of her blood flowing in her veins had stopped, my fingertips were now only met with silence and stillness. My hands were instinctively pressed against her chest as I began to give her compressions. Not too hard, I barely pressed; afraid to hurt her even more. 

"Bella! You have to come back baby please, please I'll do anything, just come back to me Bella please" I pleaded as I felt my invisible, internal crying get the best of me. I heard the rest of my family drive up to the driveway and when I heard their doors slam I felt a slight relieve, because I was not alone. "Carlisle, Jasper, Emmett!" I screamed at the top of my stonecold lungs as I kept pumping the life back into my Bella. "She's barely alive, you have to help me" I begged, looking up at my brothers and my father as I tried my best to convince them even though, I knew I did not have to. Carlisle seemed to have been prepared for this, yet he still looked miserable with sadness over seeing me and Bella like this. My brothers on the other hand, seemed to be almost as pained as I was and their thoughts only further added to my theory. Emmett stood, almost frozen to the ground, at loss of words while Jasper's ability to feel everything anyone else felt only added to his already suffering expression. They both looked the way I felt, almost. Not entirely, because I don't think anyone could ever experience what I felt at this exact moment. I carefully placed my lips against her forehead as I tried to calm down, before continuing the compressions against her fragile chest. 

Carlisle's voice rang through the room. "Jasper, call the hospital and tell them that I am coming in with a great emergency. Tell them to make room for an overdose patient. Emmett, make sure we can take her down to the car safely and without risking her any further. Edward, I'll take over" he instructed as he moved towards me, and I reluctanly let him take over in doing the only thing that could keep my beloved alive. "Bella I'm so sorry" I cried as I fell to my knees next to her. I heard in Carlisles thoughts that her heartbeat was coming back, she was coming back to us, slowly and weakly but still. My Bella. "I'm so sorry I will do everything to make you sure you know that. I will do whatever you want me to do, just please wake up baby" I rasped out, my voice almost feeling hoarse and sore despite it being impossible for vampires to ever get exhausted in any way. But right now I felt so far from supernatural. I felt just as miserable as every human ever. I could really feel all those human emotions I thought were long gone. I let out another sob as I let my body slide down the wall, my eyes never once leaving Bella as I heard the voices of the rest of the family and the faint sobs of my sisters and mother was the last thing I heard before my hearing completely disappeared and there was only one thing in my head, one thing that conquered all of my senses. Bella's neck as it noticed it getting red and purple and blue and then eventually her heart as I heard it fade away while Carlisle shook her once more. Bella. Come back to me. 


	4. Limbo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How do you know what is hurting your body? How do you know what you feel? How can you know if the burning sensation in your body is because of the toxic pills or because of the lack of oxygen? Or are you simply dying from the darkness that slowly consumed you and brought you here?

Bella's POV 

When I was a kid, I had always been extremely sensitive to pain. Every slight bruise or bump, the smallest papercut made me uncomfortable and almost frantic, despite me knowing that it was no where near dangerous. I was afraid to feel physical pain. Yet, here I was, the complete opposite and not even thee slightest afraid of anything. I wasn't afraid anymore. I felt free. Despite the heavy darkness that surrounded me all the hours of the day I still felt free, in a way I had never experienced before. Free. I felt as free as my mother had looked when she met Phil. The only thing I could compare it to was the feeling of euphoria that I had felt with Edward when we were dancing at the prom. I felt both free and happy at the same time and yet the thing that had driven me this far and deep was the essential sadness, depression. I wasn't supposed to feel happy in my last breathing moments but I was. 

I thought about when René and I had moved to Phoenix. How I had been dreading to move at all but ended up liking the place. My entire being was like that, I felt uncomfortable at first but then I grew fond of things. Sadly, i did not grow fond of myself, my own thoughts and actions and the company of myself. I was not even sure if I had ever really loved myself or even tolerated me. It was only one of the things I thought about as I cried all through the nights, waking Charlie up every now and then. The pain in his eyes when he realized he could not make the things I was feeling go away. And neither would Edward have been able to. During the, almost six months he was gone, I realized that none of my feelings were directly connected to him breaking up with me. I did not get this... sickness or whatever, because of him, I had always had it there, hiding underneath and when the Cullens left, it was like pulling a trigger and setting off an explosion that had been waiting for me for years and years. It caught me in my weakest moment and even though I do believe that Edward would have been there and helped me through it, it was not a depression caused by him. This was not a drastic act of love and I for sure was no Juliet and Edward was not my Romeo. I had already realized that but I also knew that the pain his leaving caused me, was heavier than I had imagined. I simply had no one left to give me a reason. Sure thing, Jacob and I were real good friends, but I felt like I betrayed him, and our friendship, everytime I thought I saw Edward, everytime I thought I heard him. Everytime I was fooled by myself to think that my vampire had returned, I felt like I was betraying and failing my shapeshifting friend, even though he often told me that he was there for me unconditionally. I simply didn't know how to keep on living

"Did I do the right thing Carlisle? Maybe I should have let you changed her? She should be awake by now" Edward's voice echoed through the room. The older vampire only shook his head. "You saved her, Edward. You saved her and you kept her human. It is the pills and sedatives that are making her sleep this long" Carlisle replied as he looked at his son. 

Slowly my eyes opened and I was met with a bright light. 


	5. Facing reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella wakes up to a reality she never could have imagined when she decided to end her life. What kind of reality is it?
> 
> (Still Bella's POV)

I opened my eyes and immediately shut them close again, the lights being way too bright. I let out a soft groan as I placed my arm over my eyes, covering them from the aggressive lighting. I only wanted to retreat to my own little bubble and never ever get out of it. How had I even ended up here? Had Charlie come home early and found me? I tried to open my eyes againas I felt my chest getting heavier with every shallow breath I took but I was soon calmed down and hushed.

"Shh, it's okay Bella. You are safe, I'm here and I'm never ever leaving you again. Never" the familiar voice rang through my ears, my mind and my entire body began to shake as I let the tears get the best of me. 

"I... I can't.. I can't" I cried as I held onto him, grabbing at his shirt and holding it in my small, pale fists; afraid that if I let go, even the slightest, he would disappear again. "How did you.. What happened?" I mumbled as the tears kept flowing down my face, the panic rising again in my chest. "I never meant to.. I did not do this because of you.." I hiccuped as I tried to catch my breath in between the sobs that wrecked my entire body. 

Edward's cold lips pressed against my forehead as the palm of his hand met my cheek, the coldness mixing well with my tears. "Breathe Bella, I've got you, we all got you. Just breathe and I'll make sure everything will be alright" he reassured as he kept his lips against my forehead. I nodded slowly as I felt my breathing calming down.

"Where... Where is everyone?" I asked, furrowing my eyebrows as I looked around the room. "Or.. where are we?" I added, not entirely sure about anything at this moment. "We are at the hospital in Forks, the rest of my family is waiting outside while Charlie is at the airport picking up René" he explained with a soft smile on his lips. "Carlisle is already looking up different arrangements of therapists, treatments. He will make sure you get the best treatment for this" he added as he swallowed hard and I noticed that this was hard on him. Very hard on him. 

"Edward, I.. I didn't do this to hurt you, I didn't do this because of you, I.." He interrupted me by pressing a soft kiss to my lips, his eyebrows furrowed as well. "I know Bella. I know that you have been struggling. Charlie told me how you have been, how distant and changed you have been. His thoughts filled out the gaps. You don't have to explain anyhting and especially not now. We will talk when you are ready but please, don't ever try to do this again" he said, almost begging and pleading at the end. "I can't lose you" he added and I could see his jaw clenching and I imagined that this is the way he looked when he cried while being a human. He looked just as devastated as I felt and I just wanted his pain to end. I was the cause of his pain, I was the reason he was this upset. 

"Please forgive me Edward, at least try to?" I begged, finally looking up and into his eyes. He just let out a soft chuckle, slowly stroking my cheek with the pad of his thumb. "I already have Bella, don't worry" he cooed before bringing me closer to his chest, pressing a kiss to my temple and just holding me like he had done a thousand times before. "Sleep my love, you need rest. Your parents will be here when you wake up and so will me and Alice and all the others" he reassured as I felt my eyelids fall shut. I mumbled something but I have no idea what it was, before I fell asleep again. 


	6. Talking over my head

"I don't care, I am allowing for her to be sent away! You've seen how they treat people there. They gave Alice electro-treatment Carlisle. I am not letting them do that to Bella" Edward's voice rang through the fog my mind had become. 

"Edward you are not thinking straight, the treatments are different now, they have changed over the past century and I will make sure she is safe" the older vampire spoke. I did not even know if I was still asleep or not, but I did hear their voices loud and clear nontheless. 

"I think Edward has a point, we can all help her together, taking turns in watching her. I don't think Bella would feel her best at a closed off ward either" Alice said softly, her voice slightly pained from the previous mentions of her own time at a mental hospital. 

"I think it is important that we do this together, that we show Bella we are really there for her" Esme added in. "No matter which treatment she gets."

"Sounds about right, we are doing this together as a family" Emmett said, genuinely positive. 

"Or we can move away again because that _clearly_ helped Bella maintain a safe life" Rosalie spat out sarcastically but I never heard Edward growl back at her like he usually did when they had arguments. Instead, he let out something that sounded like a tormented yelp. "I'm sorry Ed, I just... Bella really is family you know? I just... I do not know how to handle this, the feelings and worry" she added. 

"We are all worried" Jasper stated simply, his cold, yet comforting voice ringing through my ears.

I heard a door open and close and I realized my mom had entered the room, her perfume giving her away. My father must have come with her, since I heard him mutter under his breath like always did when he was deep in his own thoughts. 

"Charlie, René. I just want you to know that all of us are willing to help Bella, and you, in this trying moment" Carlisle said with his most calming voice. "We are all just brainstorming at this point, as I am waiting for my co-workers and old contacts to get back in touch with me about their knowledge on.. this kind of depression" he added. 

"You mean the fact that she is suicidal? And that she got way worse after you all left her alone with no explanation?" Charlie scoffed and I almost flinched. I had never ever heard him say the word 'suicidal' before. He was the chief of passive aggressive but this was more.. like a deep, bang, right on the spot kind of muttering. "I'm sorry, I just. This is really frustrating" he added. 

Edward shuffled on the bed and I assumed he stood up. "Charlie, I know this all started when me and my family left, but I never ever could have imagined this. I thought it was better for her to not have me around, I could not have been more wrong though and I will never ever leave her side again. I will never let her go and I will never be able to forgive myself for all the pain I caused her, and you and René. I understand if you are never able to forgive me either" he said and I could hear his voice shake, almost crack at the end. I heard my mother sniffle as she gave my hand a squeeze. "It's not your fault Edward" she said and I could hear the comforting smile in her voice. My father on the other hand, let out a mutter and a deep sigh.

"I don't hate you, I am angry that you left my daughter all alone in the woods and I am angry that you broke her heart. And no, I am not able to forgive you, just yet. I will get there though, eventually. I think. Maybe. I do know and see that you are just as hurt and in pain as me and her mother, and that makes me less angry. You really care about her, I guess" he said as he let out another deep sigh. 

"Thank you sir" Edward replied. "And me and my family will do everything that needs to be done in order to keep her safe. Carlisle is already looking up the best therapists in the state" he added. 

"Yeah, therapy... that sounds like a natural step forward" my father mumbled lowly as I began to feel myself drift off to a deep sleep again.


End file.
